If I were to go back in time and tell the broken, angry, hopeless 13-year-old girl that not only would things turn out okay, but they would become okay sooner than I thought, I would’ve assumed that I was lying simply because I wanted to temporarily sooth some of the pain by telling myself something I wanted to hear. I probably would have pushed her away as if she didn’t completely understand me and how isolated I felt. My 13-year-old self probably would have scolded me for simply being older, and having the privilege of the freedom that comes with it. As much as I would like to think I would bring comfort and peace to my younger self, I can honestly see myself doing the opposite because I remember how she felt. Optimism was deceit. I wanted a simple fix- to be older and legally and socially liberated.
If I know one thing is for sure, my 20s have been much scarier than I thought they’d be, but so much more liberating and dare I say… magical. It is very much a blessing that God did not give us the ability to go back in time, because as I look back (and as much as I’d like to think I would’ve helped her), I know now that I needed to sit in my anger. I needed to feel hopeless. I needed my father to walk out on my family and I. I needed to be bullied. I needed to feel depressed. I needed to feel complete carelessness with what happened to my life or how its course would track. I needed to watch friends and “relationships” of mine who I thought would be forever walk out in an instant. I needed to endure move after move after move. I needed to understand what pain was.
The older we get, I feel that more often, we put ourselves in a retrospective mindset. “How am I healing my younger self? Am I making her/him proud of me?”. My 20s have been a time of realizing that it’s not what you are doing for your younger self, but rather what your younger self is doing for you now. The retrospective mindset encourages pressure on our current selves to live up to an expectation – a standard – that our younger selves set for us. For me, I hoped that one day I’d become the better opposite of who I thought I was at the time- introverted, different (in a negative way), misunderstood, unpopular, ugly, shameful, and small. What she didn’t understand was that I am still that same introverted, sometimes misunderstood, “different” girl, but I understand now that what were self-perceived deficiencies were actually my superpowers. My 20s has reinforced the qualities that I have always had, but the liberation and freedom that came with adulthood afforded me the ability to be proud of these things, embrace them, and use my anger to become a voice for the girl who, 10 years ago, didn’t feel she had one. And the best part? I never had to change myself or become something I wasn’t. I don’t believe it was my younger self who influenced these changes in me. I didn’t forget her, but I don’t live to impress her anymore. The question has now become- “What can my younger self do for me now?”. In other words, she changed me for the better. I have no expectations on how I am supposed to be, where I am supposed to be, or who I am supposed to be, but no matter what (and now that I have the freedom that she so desperately desired), I will continue to be inspired to never live like her again.
No sadness, anger, or frustrating circumstance has a simple fix. Not even the simple freedom that 13-year-old Caroline would’ve thought done the trick, because it didn’t. It was much more than that. I guess I am doing something for my younger self by choosing not to forget her. She still lives with me. She still hurts with me. She sings with me. She cries with me. She laughs with me. I know that I can’t fix her, but I can sit with her. I can listen to her. She doesn’t know that she inspired and still inspires me. Her hopelessness was her hope, her pain was her purpose. There will never be a timeline where I see my 13-year-old self genuinely happy, unplagued by trauma, and feeling whole. And I don’t need to because I see her today, happier, safer, and more at peace than ever. Maybe she’s a little taller, a little bit thicker, and a whole lot healthier, but I recognize her now as a woman who turned her pain into purpose.
“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.” ~ Romans 12:2
Tea Time with Caroline 