Wow it’s been a while. It seems like I start every tea time like this nowadays. But who am I kidding? I don’t write on here enough like I hoped, or would like to. I think about things I want to write about, and just like that, they’re gone with the wind. Hopefully this year I can dedicate a little bit more time to writing these more frequently and timely. We will see how long that lasts.
I spent many weeks trying to mentally prepare for moving out once again, but could never quite seem to feel satisfied with the time I was given. Those weeks instead were spent stressing over helping out a friend in an abusive situation, trying to figure out what exactly I was going to bring, managing the highs and lows of having deep feelings for someone who wants to remain single, and dealing with the overall uneasiness of the current state of the political world. It was also hard balancing these things while trying to help my mother overcome some of the same issues, as well as her own unique stresses. But if I’ve learned anything at all from therapy, it’s that you have to take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else. But again, there never seemed to be enough time to do so. Before I knew it, I was loading the back of my car with boxes and containers with all of my things for my apartment in them. I knew I was going to miss home really bad, especially after getting so mentally and physically comfortable with living there for nearly a year while we all dealt with the hell of COVID-19. However, I was also ready to continue my progress as a woman. I was ready to get my mental health back in order, my body in shape, and my independence back.
Upon moving in, I’ve been reconsidering my academic plan, specifically regarding graduating early. I think I’m going to do it. This has led me to a recurring thought/theme coinciding with the life transition I’m going through. We constantly focus on what’s ahead. In fact, society tells us to. “Keep marching forward,” “Don’t look back,” and “Better days are ahead” are just a few of the many phrases we commonly hear. While this perspective can be beneficial to a motivational and ambitious mindset, it allows us to very easy miss all the beautiful things happening right in front of our eyes. I have looked forward to being 21 my whole life. I was so excited to finally be free and have all the legal authority to do what I wanted when I wanted, and no one could tell me otherwise (unless, of course, I was doing something illegal and the cops put me in check). I’m so busy stressing about the next stage of my life that I’m missing all that’s in front of me, the things I worked so hard for. I’ve kept a journal that I’ve written my life in since I was 10 years old and continue to do so today. Literally, I wrote an entry just about an hour ago. This is to document real life, authentically and uncensored. It’s to validate all the little moments, big moments, and everything in between. If I didn’t write in it like I do, I would have no evidence of the things that have made me stronger, the things that knocked me down, the things I gave up, and the opportunities I took on. I wouldn’t have remembered the people that impacted me, the people that stayed, and the people that left. I would have no idea of the magnitude of the strides I’ve made, and the outcomes of my decisions, big or small. All of these things matter. Every single part of your life matters. It’s a beautiful thing, the autonomy we have over our lives and choices. This year I’m making a priority to focus on the moment, because one day I’m going to look back and miss it. It seems that it’s always the moments that I wish I could move on from are the ones I miss the most. I encourage you to do the same. Remember this, especially in the absence of documentation. Let no instant of life be ignored. Before you know it, you will be in the place you continue to dream about.
“Yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes.” ~ James 4:14
Tea Time with Caroline 