Hey guys! I’ve been gone for a little while (as per usual) and I have recently discovered something major. But before I get into that, I wanted to give you all a general and brief life update.

Things have been particularly… lets just say… all over the map for me mentally. Career interests are shifting, my desire for independence is growing stronger, and I dearly miss my friends. I feel like in all the craziness and blindness going on around me and within me, this is a turning point for me. I strongly believe there is something going on that I can’t see, but am walking through. The only thing holding together my sanity is my faith in God that He who loves me knows whats best, even if that means temporary tribulation.

During an appointment last week with my therapist (who I have recently decided to seek help from yet again after 3 years of believing I was truly okay), I asked her out of curiosity if in my state, she is allowed to diagnose things. Upon her answer of confirmation, she proceeded to tell me that I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder 6 years ago. SIX years ago. I never knew. I had been going about my daily life with a disorder that I never knew I had, and convinced myself I didn’t have. Over the last several years, I would occasionally do a google search of my symptoms because I never felt “right” in the mind necessarily. Something was off. For a while, I would blame myself. I wanted to think I was a normal person and that I just overreacted with stuff or that developmentally I wasn’t quite there or anything else. I convinced myself that some of the symptoms of GAD weren’t me although they were- I was overthinking how I overthink. That’s the irony in it all. I could never quite match myself with a disorder that listed how I felt internally because I didn’t want to make a victim of myself. To hear my therapist tell me this was quite relieving actually. Following the call, I googled GAD symptoms and read them to myself once again. They made sense to me. For once, all the fog and little voices in my head left for a minute and I felt liberated. I felt a little less crazy.

I am a strong believer in speaking your truth, the truth, and keeping things real. Liberation trumps fear, regret, and criticism in my opinion. This philosophy of mine influenced me to make a brave post to my Snapchat story to raise awareness to my disorder, not only so that others know, but to break the stigma. To be free. To be transparent. To hide is to be a fool. I don’t want to hide anymore. I say this with irony in my words as I am a very private person and prefer to keep my life and business out of the public eye. But to me, there is a certain degree of freedom that I want to allow for myself so that I don’t crumble. If I allow myself to hide and keep secrets, the anxiety builds. The fear of criticism, rejection, regret, and judgment takes over my mind and it eats at me internally. A few friends expressed concern for my well being following my post to which I replied to them that I am in fact okay. I am relieved. I am a little less crazy.

Do not place worry on the things you cannot control. Own yourself. GAD will never go away for me. I can treat it and manage it, but it will never go away. As unfortunate as that is, it is oddly comforting to me. I know that I won’t have to go for the rest of my life questioning myself, blaming myself, wrongly convincing myself, and driving myself up a wall and breaking myself down. There is a name for these feelings of mine and now I can finally work toward truly helping myself. After all, “life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to dance in the rain.”

“…and you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free.” ~ John 8:32