It’s crazy how much can change in a year. Looking at past pictures that come up in my snapchat memories and even scrolling through my camera roll on occasion reminds me just how magical time is. I can’t seem to wrap my mind around the fact that one year ago, I really only had one close friend and didn’t really have a friend group. I didn’t make an effort to meet people. I was scared and anxious. I relied on people who weren’t dependable. I had just restarted my journey with God. I didn’t know who any of the groups I had yet to take membership in were. I isolated myself and stayed in my comfort zone. I allowed myself to be taken advantage of. When I look back on that Caroline, she seems so young. So amateur. So nervous. Although I may recognize her still, I don’t know her anymore. Just this semester alone, I have learned so many things and strengthened myself in new ways and been knocked down and picked back up over and over, yet I don’t feel the anxiety that I once did. I don’t feel the need to please people anymore. I know who’s there for me and who isn’t. I’m finally in the stages of truly establishing myself as an adult woman. I am becoming.
Today as I walked to the Chik-Fil-A we have on campus to get myself some dinner, I noticed my sweatpants that I was wearing and questioned how long I’ve had them, keeping in mind that I haven’t worn them in a long time. I then remembered a picture that I had a friend take of my ex-boyfriend and I during our sophomore year of high school wearing matching sweatpants, t-shirts, and shoes. These were those sweatpants. Funny now that I wear them again during my sophomore year of college at the same university that that ex also goes to now. When I think about that picture, it reminds me of a time when I didn’t know what adulthood was, as much as I thought I had it together. Back then, status was everything. Popularity was the peak of your teenage existence and with him, I felt that I had worth through that, instead of through God, whom I lost contact with at this time in my life. I was dating the pretty boy music prodigy of my school who happened to have many female friends. Knowing that I was the chosen one made me feel whole. I felt that I was on another level simply by who I associated myself with, and not who I was or what I had going for myself. I was his girlfriend. The only people that really knew me were the ones that followed me (and vice versa) all the way up from Kindergarten. They’d tease me sometimes about dating him and I used to roll my eyes and laugh about it because I felt like they didn’t quite understand what I saw in him. Why I liked him. But what I didn’t see then was truly the reason why they teased me. It wasn’t because they didn’t understand me- it was because they knew me better than I knew myself. They knew I was better than that, they knew I had more worth than just being his girlfriend. I had many redeeming qualities about myself but I allowed the facade of a popularity scheme blind me into thinking that I knew better. It was complete naivety.
As I wore those sweatpants today, I felt a part of that naivety brush past my legs as I walked through the wind. This time, however, I didn’t belong to anyone. I didn’t define myself by who I associated with, but rather who I was becoming because of that sophomore in high school, posing next to her boyfriend in matching outfits. Back then I wanted to be able to say that that was 3 years ago in our relationship and that we were still going strong today, and yes, still twinning occasionally. I wore those sweatpants with complete liberation today. Liberation of thought, of opinion, of what others thought of me, of feeling, of burden, of sin, of definition, of anxiety, depression, and worry. When you learn to love yourself, you’ll find that it’s truly liberating to let go and not care anymore. That’s not to say just forget the past and move on necessarily, but you also cannot let who you were define you now. Who you choose to become today as a result of the ups and downs in the past is what’s most important. I always tell people when telling them pieces of my past- I don’t tell you this because I want you to feel sorry for me, but rather better understand the woman I am now and appreciate her, because the girl I am at this moment is propelling the girl in a year from now, and a year from then to become. Anyone who makes you feel pity for your life in the past will never understand your potential, let alone the person you are now. To become is never-ending and through God I am continually breathed new life. If you don’t know God, I encourage you to take the first step, whatever that may be. I can promise you (and I don’t make promises often), the little holes and gaps that you satisfy with temporary popularity schemes and distractions and blinders will be filled with true love and understanding, and you will know your purpose and your worth. I’ve made it my mission through Christ to never stop becoming, and to become I shall.
“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.” ~ Isaiah 43:18-19
Tea Time with Caroline 