After discovering that I have social anxiety, it’s been hard for me to cope with the idea of going out. I often scroll through Instagram and watch my friends’ snapchat stories and all of them seem to run a common theme- the glamorous life. Sometimes I’ll think to myself, “What must that be like, to have so many friends that are willing to go out with you and make memories for the books, while I’m sitting here writing books for myself?” It amazes me how much time and money everyone seems to have on their hands these days. Although I ask myself these questions and feel sorry for myself, the moment I do finally make plans, I get all worked up and excited only to go out and immediately want to come home. In fact, my brother and I were on a casual outing to Target (just something to do to get out of the house on a nice day) when we ran into some of our mutual friends. As soon as I said hello, the feeling was as though I wanted to throw a blanket over my head and fade away. It’s not that I don’t like them or enjoy their company, but rather simply because I feel that there’s a social standard that I just feel I’m not equipped to live up to. I enjoy thinking, pondering, observing, and making my own judgments. I dislike the adversary opinion and the criticisms of people I generally like because when I take people in to be my friend, I consider them treasure. I hold their needs, wants, goals, dreams, opinions, words, and thoughts close to my heart, treating them as my own. Therefore, when I feel under pressure to be a certain way or to reshape or remold myself in a matter of seconds continually, it becomes exhausting. I can compare the feeling to a camera constantly following you. You know it’s on you and you try to ignore it and become yourself again, but once you remember you’re being recorded, you put on a facade just for the simple pleasure of watching yourself back and thinking you looked or sounded cute on camera. But it’s hard to face the truth- you can’t stand yourself on camera. Being yourself or not. This is why I choose to forget about the whole thing. Don’t get me wrong, I do love myself. I love myself very much and like having fun. The main drive of all this anxiety is my desire for control over myself, my situation, and my life. At home, I know I have control over when I leave or where I go or what I want. When I have someone pick me up to hang out, that control goes out the window. When that control is lost, I get anxious. Where do I find it? At home. The place I know myself best. But you know what they say, you have to face your fears in order to let them go which is why I will not let social anxiety define me or control me. I’m going to take advantage of my love for control and demolish that devil. But until I can find the good friends to hang with to exercise the cease of my anxiety, I’ll be here, working on giving the gift of more teatimes for you all. Besides, I don’t have too many friends I’d want to hang out with anyway. After all, I’d rather have 1 real, true, close friend than 100 fake ones. And that’s the tea sis.
“Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.” ~ James 4:7
Tea Time with Caroline 