I spent the next 20 minutes trying to fish a lemon seed out of my ice tea. I was thinking about how I haven’t been honest with my counselor, and how I’m considering telling her that I think I have anxiety. I feel like my way of finding peace is to not socialize at all. I then thought of how all I wanted to do was write all my thoughts down and how I wish there was a mental note pad that kept my thoughts in question. I thought about going on vacation with my boyfriend and living a little. I thought about how no one ever really cared about what I thought, how I never had a voice. I thought, “when I live on my own, I’m going to go everywhere and do everything with no cares. I don’t know how I’m going to get there, but I’m going to do it. I’m going to be reckless.”

I often thought about how many kids my age have anxiety but hide it under the table because they feel as though society is going to capsize the table. Maybe the weight of the world is too much. Maybe the fake people mask it by making it heavier: applying more makeup, spending more money, compacting their schedules to distract them from how mean the world actually is. And in the midst of my thoughts, I was distracted by the realization that my dinner arrived to my table.
~
On the way home, I thought about my relationship with my boyfriend. Was I actually in love? Truthfully, no. I want the kind of love where I can’t sleep. The kind of love where it hurts to be away. The kind of love where you get butterflies and can’t help but smile when you see them. I dream of a love that’s real. One where I don’t feel ashamed of who I am or what I do. One where I can be independent, but still need him just as much if I were dependent on him. One where no matter what I do, or where I go, I feel safe and loved and I know that somewhere out there, the love of my life waits for me and thinks of me too. But this guy, it wasn’t him. He was selfish and narcissistic. His heart was filled with the vacant kind of love. Eventually I gave up on him and it wasn’t because I didn’t love him. It was because he never came to his senses to reciprocate the real love I had in my heart for him. He sure was full of himself and the irony of it all was that he was empty.

I was ready for the day to be over. I was ready for peace. I was ready to breathe. To blink. I was ready for a new life, a new love, a new beginning. I felt empowered, beautiful, strong, ready to move on. But at the same time, I felt belittled. But I refuse to let someone’s opinion define me. I need simple, yet so complex. I need happy. Safe. But I know I can find that within myself. But first, I’m going to find my bed and go to sleep.

 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. – Philippians 4:8